MSG Me. I'm ready and willing.
Codes of Conduct
by Aaron
| Common male behavior really is appalling. Those of us who don't fuck everybody over and run about crushing weak hearts and trampling self-esteems get no credit. I feel it's necessary to establish a code of conduct for the honorable and honest guys out there. This way, the ladies will be able to appreciate us for what we DON'T do wrong. This should be common sense but sadly this gender is full of assholes. First and foremost, if she has a boyfriend and you know it (and especially if you know the guy), she is absolutely and unquestionably off limits. And don't say what if she wants to dump him for you, you right bastard. If she'll dump him for you, who says she won't dump you for someone better? If she recently broke up with a buddy of yours, there is a cooling off period and you must get expressed permission from your buddy before you step in. Next, your buddies' little sisters are all off limits. Don't fuck around. As big brothers it is our duty to maintain our little sisters' innocence and inexperience until they are MARRIED. Older sisters, however, are fair game. Permission from the respective buddy is appreciated but not required when propositioning an older sister. An eye for an eye, a muffdive for a blowjob. Even if you're not very skilled in this area, she'll appreciate the effort and sentiment. You're more likely to enjoy an encore performance going this route. You should do these next things automatically, even if you're an asshole. Open doors for her, even car doors from time to time. Buy her dinner, even if you're just friends. Pull her chair out for her. Hold her hand in public. Chivalry isn't dead, it's just been beaten unconscious by dickheads who scam chicks for play and turn sweet girls into bitter, man-hating bull dykes. If she's a virgin, you should encourage her to maintain that. Give someone a chance to marry a virgin. Only acquiesce if she's simply determined to have sex, because if someone's gotta break her in, it might as well be you. If this situation presents itself you must put all her future lovers to shame before they ever step up to bat. If she has anything less than a dozen orgasms, you're not finished yet. You must listen. Listen to her story about the boots she saw at Nine West and the complaints about her bio prof's fashion sense and the half-hour monologue on her quest to find a dress for the formal. What's more, you must remember what she says. She will bring up the same story more than once and you must notice this. It's either a test to see if you were listening the first time or she has a bad memory. Don't let anyone tell you chocolates or flowers or poetry is the key to a woman's heart/pants. Listening is key. While flowers and chocolates aren't keys, they're definitely bricks in the road. Random displays of affection carry much more weight than guys think. A lot of guys are under the impression that girls don't think much of it when you spoil them, but that's only true for some chicks. If she's the type whose daddy buys her a new Camaro every six months, she probably won't think much of you spoiling her. On the other hand, if she's only been given flowers on valentine's day and prom your work is cut out for you. And don't just walk up and hand her a present all sheepishly (much as girls tend to dig shyness), but let her happen upon it. Being the gay friend isn't a bad thing so don't knock it or take it for granted. This position puts you on the inside track. You learn allll about her and her problems and her strengths and weaknesses and you learn what not to do if you hook up with her. Quite often, she'll eventually see you in a different light, like a song that you've heard a thousand times but never really listened to. The honorable part of this is not to prey on her. Don't just wait until she's dumped and crying to ease in there and seduce her; such is the behavior of shitheads. If the shift I mentioned takes place during the downtime after a breakup, let her get her head on straight or she might let you ruin the relationship altogether. Don't be a sap when going about any of this. If you jump up to do anything she says without question, she won't have any respect for you. She is not royalty; you are not an indentured servant. As much as girls like being pampered, they also want someone of strength and character. They don't want a mincy little brown-noser of a boyfriend, they want that in a little brother. In short, don't be a bastard and don't be a pansy. |
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