MSG Me. I'm ready and willing.
Dear Guy
by Jeff
|
Dear guy I see wearing a shirt saying "Titanic Swim Team", I know you think you're really clever wearing that shirt, but in fact, it is the most tacky thing ever conceived by mankind. However, I'm sure your 16 year old high school cheerleader girlfriend with bleach blonde hair (with 4 inch black roots) and an over done tan (provided by Tans R Us) thinks it's exceedingly witty, along with your very original "Peckers" hat with the fringe ripped off. You normally you feel bad for passing over your other hats (Woody, Cocks) but your buddies from high school signed the Peckers hat with something along the lines of "let's get pussy" written before their signature. But eventually your immaturity will be shattered by reality when you take her to the lake in your overly accessorized truck, that you have to jump into because the wheels are so unnecessarily high off the ground, and impregnate her under the moonlight which is casting a shadow in the form the Nike Swoosh sticker on your back window. You marry her soon after you find out she's pregnant, drop out of school, get a job, basically ruin your life. The years drift on. At first you tell your wife that all the money goes for the baby but you begin to keep alittle for yourself so you can add more accessories to your truck. Eventually the missing funds catch up with you when you can't pay your rent or credit card bill (which contains all of your wife's needless beautification service bills) and you are evicted from your house. You struggle to get back on your feet but eventually your wife leaves you, takes the baby back to her mother's house in Oklahoma, and you live in your truck for a year or so: the Nike Swoosh shadow the only companionship you have left. When your truck is repoed, you begin hitch hiking to Oklahoma to see the son you haven't seen in 4 years in a lame attempt to hide your dead beat dad profile On the way there, an older man in a Mercedes picks you up and the idea of robbing him is just too tempting. You pull out your Smith and Wessin and tell him to get out of the car, but your jittery nerves kick in and you accidentally shoot him in the head. After being convicted of murder, you are sent to Oklahoma State Prison for 30 to 35 years. However you aren't there for more than a year because you get involved in a jail riot where all the African American prisoners took the baseball bats, donated by the Baptist Church for the prisons upcoming season, and started beating all the white people. You are struck in skull and killed instantly...and let me assure you that when this happens, I will be the first one wearing a shirt that says "Oklahoma State Prison Baseball" and we'll see how you like me poking fun at your death. |
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