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WEDNESDAY 6.20.01 3:02AM
I've been thinking about the Radiohead show last Monday, pondering the significance of that event and how fucking amazing they are. It didn't strike me as one of those moments I'd be talking about whenever the chance presents itself in the next however many years til I die until Thom sat and played the opening bars to Pyramid Song.
"This is a song about past lives....
...All my lovers were there with me
All my pasts and futures...."
I cried at that point. A single tear. Sarah and Katie didn't see it but I admitted it nonetheless. As hard as I try I can't convey the emotions of that concert, so I don't really want to try anymore. Some people just don't get it, and I pity them.
"let's go down the waterfall,
have ourselves a good time
it's nothing at all"
I was jealous of all the people around us that had weed. Really wished I was high during morning bell.
I'm tired of passing the blame for my problems. I get a C in a class and I blame the professor not the 20 hours a week of Counterstrike I played at school. That's just another form of dishonesty I'm trying to bag. The last few months I've adopted a policy of brutally blunt honesty and openness on all matters. No shame, no self-consciousness. It's disarming for other people when you can strike up a conversation about stuff that most people only discuss with close friends.
"i'm not leavin' yet"
If there's anything I've learned in the last few months it's to give even less of a shit. That doesn't include the very important things but man some things really don't matter and I hadn't realized I hadn't let go of them yet. Might be a Fight Club kinda thing, "it's only once you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." Also a Dostoyevsky-esque philosophy, paradoxically. You stop caring about everything that's unimportant but the important things sometimes hold you down.
I've gotten happier as I've gotten older and more mature, but I'm still wary of getting much older. If maturity is an indicator of overall happiness then I could potentially be a very content person later given how immature I am. The thing I'm most worried about is my ambitions going out the window. What happens to people as they grow older that makes them forget what they wanted to do with their lives? People always bitch about what they do for a living and where they live and I ask myself "why don't they move and get a different job?" I can't imagine just sitting quietly by and not doing anything about my discontent.
"was i right or wrong?"
My lack of faith in the system is bolstered daily. You'd think they were trying to fuck everything up.
MONDAY 6.25.01 12:48AM
Does the prospect of an ordinary average life not strike anyone else as unappealing? So many people I know are either duped into the patented suburban lifestyle or have wanted it forever. Affordable SUV's and diaper bags scare the shit out of me. It's bad enough growing up in a place with nothing cool in it but a few dozen of the inhabitants but who would consciously choose it as an adult?
On another note, where the fuck am I supposed to go to college? I've gotten completely conflicting advice from most everyone I've asked about school. I've been told to ride out the weed-outs at UT because it gets better after that; I've been told to blow off UT because Tech won't weed me out at all and the companies don't really distinguish between the schools; I've been told to blow off computer science and get a major that will leave me unemployed but give me happy college memories.
"you made me happy every single day
that's when it's callin' me
i said that's when it's callin' me back home"
Despite the pile of shit on my plate I'm not feeling stressed. God bless this who-gives-a-shit attitude.
"stop sending letters, letters always get burned"
I've been dumbfounded by a lot of things lately. So much has happened in a scant few weeks that I really don't know what to make of it all. Out of character if anything, I've been giving a lot of things serious thought, but to no avail. Something interesting happens and I just stare and think about how I don't know what to think of it.
I'm prolly overdue for a little depression. Things have been really fucking good for a while. People underestimate the value of depression. On a wiser day I said I learn more in the bowels of depression than in the bosom of euphoria, which was probably one of my intellectual peaks sadly.
"come on and kick me
you got your problems
i got my hash pipe"
My schedule's been ridiculous lately. Stay up til 4am talking to Karen, oversleep and rush to get my homework done, class til very late, work out when I get a chance. Karen's often the only non-mundane part of my day.
THURSDAY 6.28.01 10:12PM
I haven't been fucked up in any manner of speaking (as being fucked up pertains to drugs and alcohol) in a while. It's been a long time since I last stumbled home at 10am and slept til sunset. I hate to blame my recent lack of misbehavior on the boring nature of this town. That seems too obvious a scapegoat. The real problem is I can't afford anything that alters my state of mind. I think I'll blame my soberness on the economy; if I weren't unemployed I could afford something nice and illegal.
"and it seems i'm going nowhere really fucking fast"
The workload from McCollege has been inhuman. These good ol boys take themselves too seriously. It's quite a change of scenery to go from a professor who's so brilliant and so Indian that you wouldn't be able to understand him even if his English were passable to a good 'ol boy who can't stand for more than ten minutes at a time because his knees buckle from the immense pressure exerted by his 55-gallon tummy. I've written about 30 or 40 pages in the last few days.
"show me the world as i love to see it"
I'm tired of being confused. I want the school situation to fucking take care of itself so I can just go. It's annoying having to worry about this so much. As if I didn't have enough to think about....
I've been calling everything into question in the last few months. Well, really for the last few years but especially recently. Some things should just be easier to figure out. God would have much less trouble with us wee humans if he'd have given indisputable proof that he was up there and which religion he actually presides over. If God held press conferences every so often, the terms agnosticism and atheism wouldn't be in our vocabularies. I suppose if things were black and white they'd be less interesting. Less confusing, but still less interesting. But I suppose "interesting" isn't very comforting when one could potentially be cast in lake of fire.
"when the truth is found to be lies,
and all the joy within you dies"
Why does everyone think it's so cool when someone manages to maintain their virginity for however long, yet no one makes efforts to be cool like them? Horniness is so prolific. If people would quit boinking every attractive person they met maybe clymidigonnhaherpewarts wouldn't be so abundant. It's easy for me to criticize that because the opportunities for me to have sex have been few and far between. I keep hearing people preaching abstinence all the time too. Even my folks will get harping on that. That's a great idea in theory but it's ridiculous if you try to tell a 19 yr old kid he should look away from that hot brunette in the corner making eyes at him because she's a health hazard. Anybody can preach abstinence when they don't have to abstain themselves because they're married.
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