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WEDNESDAY 7.04.01 2:40PM
Another birthday's coming up. I don't really want to do anything for it. Everybody's trying to get me to do something special and asking what I want. My folks are pestering me to have people over for dinner so I'll prolly have to rope a few friends into a wild Saturday night sitting around eating stuff. And I don't know what I want. Just be creative! I'm not high maintenance.
"fuck you i won't do what you tell me"
The 4th, er, 3rd was pretty cool. We live for things that go wrong, like when a tube with a lit artillery shell tips over and spews forth a flaming missile at a crowd of inattentive people. I also enjoyed watching the inebriated jackasses shoot roman candles at each other for an hour. It tastes like burning! The night would've been complete if Jay had used his pipe rocket in the roman candle wars.
"you've been stuck in a lift, we've been trying to reach you"
I always feel confused in relationships, like a starved Ethiopian given a can of ultra slim-fast. I know my way around girls pretty well I think. Shit, if I don't by now I never will. All my best friends are girls. Nevertheless I always feel like I'm screwing something up or somehow embarrassing myself. Quite a situation.
"and the sun drifts down bedding heavy blind
the front of your dress so shadowy lined
and the droning engine throbs in time with your beating heart"
SATURDAY 7.07.01 4:41AM
Writing this at Jay's place, pondering deep philisophical issues like the innate morality of humans, and are there any dr.peppers left. Tired definitely. Listening to Nickelback. It's my birthday. I don't FEEL special since it's my birthday, unless you take special to mean that associated with little yellow buses. Why the fuck is the MacLaughlin group on? Who put a No Doubt song on my winamp playlist? Why am I, at the pinnacle of my acceptance by girls, more confused than ever about that gender?
"so then i took my time, oh what a thing to have done"
Damn Rocky for buying Dr. Thunders. I gotta piss.
This journal idea can't be very honest, or at least up to par with my normal honesty. I really can't talk about Karen or Sarah or anything like that because they'll prolly read it. Not like I wanna sit here and dog anybody but I can't say anything prematurely, regardless of whether it's derogatory or constructive.
Damn these nerds and their porn. That can't be healthy. You'd think people with girlfriends wouldn't collect so much smut.
"floating upon the surface for the birds, the birds, the birds"
Much as this may bely my previous point about honesty, I haven't been in the least bit horny for the last maybe two weeks, and therefore have not "sturbed", if you will, for as long or longer. I don't understand it at all. I'm not a very horny guy but it's still confusing. That's been the unifying theme of the last year or so: confusion. I never have any fucking idea what I'm doing or where I'm going and it rarely has anything to do with illicit substances.
"ah, sometimes i grow so tired. but i know one thing i know i got to do... ramble on"
That Ramble On just popped up is an interesting coincidence. That song title is where the title of this section derives from. Yea maybe I should just get over these silly problems. It's not all just bullshit I can forget about though. I sound all overdramatic, like the crazy people that do that that annoy the bejeezus out of me.
If relationships were more cut and dry, there would be no war.
Why do people give God credit for helping them in situations that he put them in in the first place? It's like getting an award for throwing a toddler off a bridge then diving in to save it.
"i could've sworn i saw a light comin' on"
I needs me some fucking breakfast.
WEDNESDAY 7.11.01 12:20AM
Depression definitely serves its purpose, provided you don't do yourself bodily harm or lash out at anyone while in its grips. It's almost healthy. If not healthy it's enlightening to a certain extent. The main idea is I realize that no matter how shitty I feel that I'll eventually feel better, and I know not to react to a little mood swing.
"and we live in a beautiful world"
My parents were talking about me staying in town for the fall semester. Fuck that!!! There's no way they're sticking me for 5 extra months in this goddamn town. It's simply not an option. I can't tell them that straight up of course but that's just how it is. I don't give a damn if it's not economically sound to spend the money to stay in austin for the fall; I would physically rot here.
Silly old people. I know that being young lends itself to dramatizing things and trying to sound self-important and what not, but older peeps tend to think our opinions are invalid just because we're not as wisened as them, as if with time we'll "mature" and come to think like them. I made the mistake of voicing my opinion that marijuana should be legal. They didn't come close to justifying themselves, but I was basically told that I'm just wrong.
I got offered a job making well over $10 an hour but I can't take it. They require that you be available 24/7 and I have to take class. My solution was, hey, I'm broke, drop the classes. But no, I'll still be scraping by and going to school.
I've got the urge to fill up someone's truckbed or someone's backseat with condoms or tampons or something similar. Seems like such an obvious thing to do. I dunno why I never thought of it before.
"[Instrumental]"
That's a quote from one of my favorite Who songs.
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